I have put this post off for a while – it means I have to relive that awful night when I learned the full extent of my husband’s cheating. But once it’s out there, I can go back to concentrating on the present, so here goes… I suggest you go and make a cup of tea – this could be a long one.
We got back to the car and AP drove us home. In a constant string of texts – with no time for me to respond – Muppet continued her exposé via text messaging. AP kept asking what she was saying. I delivered choice bits, almost gaily, like everything was normal and I was relaying a light-hearted bit of banter between myself and a friend… but my heart was hammering in my chest and my mind was caught up in a tornado, desperately trying to gain some control but feeling my sanity being dashed to bits with every message she sent.
She said: “I’m sorry you had to find out about our affair from an email. I know he didn’t want you to find out like that. He always planned for u to be secure n in a good place before he left you. He has played it down n told me what to say to you. We met nearly three years ago at the Xmas party where we had a little kiss. We never took it further than that n he just flirted n teased me for months. I left work n we became friends on FB. We would talk from time to time n flirt occasionally. But in April  we started the affair. We have talked openly n truthfully. I know about him leaving u whilst pregnant, how you got back together. That he married u n gave u full control for security that u needed. By the time you were in the USA [holiday, May 2014] he had told me he loved me. We have spent a lot of time together. We have slept together n planned a future together. We both dreamed of moving to California. It was never going to be soon, we both wanted our spouses in a good place n children happy n settled. AP used to call me his beautiful muppet n he was my wombat. I know he told you recently he didn’t love u still in an argument after u made him sleep on the couch. But after we met at the craft fair n you questioning him his depression got worse n he started to push me away. We have slept together since then but AP needed time n space to get better.. But I pushed n pushed him. I should have backed down but I didn’t want to lose him. We r soul mates. He sent me a song once and said it was how he felt about me. Ellie Goulding “How Long Will I love You”. He was so affectionate n loving at the start.. he embraced a loving, tactile relationship. He even named his blanky Muppet. But now I see what a clever liar n manipulator he is! Oh btw I wasn’t the first!
I have emails and pics if he denies any of this. I was fooled into believing u two had no future and he wanted a life with me. I won’t give you any more info as some of it is bad. He is a very psychotic narcissist.. who has sent me nuts btw. But I won’t let him mess with my head anymore. You shouldn’t either. I have the emails CC. Seems like he was the game player. I want to talk to him now!! I’m so angry, he made me consider leaving my husband. He told me yesterday he still loved me and to play along with his story as the wait in the end would be worth it. He has lied to me. He has lied to us both.”
By this time we had arrived back home. AP had begun protesting that she was a pushy fantasist who was exaggerating the whole thing… true they had met but only a handful of times. Yes he had told her he loved her, but only because she demanded it. She had pushed him to send the photos.He had never promised her a future together, it was never supposed to end with them being together. He had made a huge mistake and had been trying to ditch her for a few months but she wouldn’t go away and he was terrified she would tell me if he dropped her abruptly. In the middle of all this she called me and demanded I pass the phone to him… I heard her ask “What the fuck, AP…” before he cut her off.
“Back to the car park?” I asked, aware of our son being in the house. He agreed and off we went. Again.
Meanwhile the texts continued, more details from mine and AP’s life, such as how we met, telling me how “cold, non-tactile and not very adventurous in bed” I supposedly am… She explained how she was going to go along with AP’s story of just being friends, until he accused her of being a fantasist: “How would I know all of this? I don’t care, I will not be made to look like the bad one… he is the one in the wrong!” Then snapshots from emails he had sent to her, telling her he loved her, calling her his little porn star, wishing her “Good morning, beautiful” and to “Sleep well, beautiful muppet“. Then came the photos. Head-shots taken in our bedroom. In our bed. Then worse photos – much worse.
She continued:”I’ve messed up! I’m sorry, really sorry. I believed him and thought we had something special, he lead me to believe that. I honestly thought u two were over n just waiting for your son to leave home… he is going to try everything CC, the depression did it, I chased him. He will do anything. I think he even believes his own lies tbh. Plz tell him he plays the victim well. This is for him: I never thought I would say this to another person… I actually fucking hate you! You lying twisted piece of shit!!!! Sorry CC.. I really am.”
At this point I switched off my phone and turned to AP. He was in a terrible state, crying and saying he had made a terrible mistake, that he loved me and didn’t want to lose me. “Perhaps,” I spat at him, “you should have thought about that BEFORE you fucked somebody else.”
The next couple of hours are a bit of a blur… I asked why he had lied about sleeping with her when I confronted him the night before: he said he knew I would leave him if I found out. I told him I could not see how I could stay with him, since I will never be able to trust anything he says again. He asked me what I was going to do: I said I would need to make arrangements to leave, get a job – I had already looked at some house-shares in the South West part of the country, the night I was deciding how to confront him. He told me he would move out of the house and let me stay; I told him no, I needed to get far away. He cried again and asked if there was any way I would reconsider… he offered to support me whilst I got my life together and said he really wanted me to stay in his life, even if it were just as friends. I lost count of the times he whispered “I’m sorry.”
I should point out that AP is not an emotional person: I can count on one hand the times I have seen him cry in nearly twenty years. To see him in such a state whilst trying to assimilate what he had done to me – to US… well, it literally felt like my heart was breaking in two.
“Why did you do it?” I asked.
“I don’t know…” he began, then stopped. “I thought you had stopped loving me,” he carried on. “I would come home every day and wonder if it was today that my bags would be packed and you would throw me out. You were so cold towards me. You made fun of me in front of the kids. I have seen you change as you did your degree – you have far surpassed me intellectually to the point that I had no chance in any argument. You have no fucking idea how miserable my life had become. I have absolutely nothing to offer you or the kids. I have no value to anyone. I should have killed myself a long time ago, let you get on with your life.” He paused then wept again as he said “I was so happy when we started to reconnect in August – so happy…” and then he broke down.
At this point I finally began to cry as I realised that I had contributed to the circumstances that had led to his having an affair. We had always worked in the same industry (sometimes together in the same company) so had always had plenty to talk about – until we agreed that I could get out of our line of work and return to full-time higher education… and soon after, yes, we had begun to drift apart. And yes, I had treated him badly – made fun of him, even mocked him as I made it clear I wasn’t interested in his work anymore (I was too busy studying). He had been ill with stomach pains (turned out to be gall-bladder polyps) and he wasn’t happy at work; to me, all he ever seemed to do was whinge. I remember that I began to doubt our relationship and at some point I had even questioned whether I wanted to stay married, as it increasingly felt like I was living with a room-mate and not somebody I loved or even respected anymore. He had increasingly grown more distant, then came the secrecy and the suspicions on my part, culminating in a big argument and my question “Don’t you love me anymore?” He had said “I’m beginning not to,” and it was this statement that awoke me from my dogmatic slumber, so to speak, as I felt my life shatter into tiny pieces. At that point (around August 2014) I had realised how much I loved him, that I did not want to lose him and had resolved to do something about it: so I had started to take an interest in his life and try to do more things together. In short, I began to put right all the things that had gone wrong.
“But if that’s true, if you realised we could be happy again, why did you continue to see her?” I asked him.
He told me he had been trying to get rid of her since then but she just would not take no for an answer and he knew that if he upset her she might contact me – at which point we would be finished. Again he begged me to reconsider my decision, repeating that he did not want to lose me, that he was sorry, that he would do anything – ANYTHING – to keep me.
I asked if there was any proof of what he was telling me: he said he was always careful to delete everything but I was free to go through his email account and see if I could turn anything up.
In the end I agreed that, as there were mitigating circumstances which led to him reaching out to somebody else, I would consider staying with him… BUT there could be no secrets and his flirty behaviour had to stop. He agreed to tell me anything I needed to know about the affair and to make his phone and email accounts available to me to look through whenever I felt like it. He had already blocked her on his phone. I also asked him to make an appointment with the doctor the next day, as it was abundantly clear he was severely depressed.
So we went home. He deactivated his FB page and blocked her on his email and Skype account. That night (and for the next few nights) he slept on the sofa until I was ready to make the decision that yes, I was definitely going to stay with him and we would work through this pig-fuck of a mess.